2WW

Well it's not technically a "two week wait", it's really about a ten day wait, but you got me. That's where we are right now, just waiting. Waiting to find out if we're pregnant.

Since my transfer, I've had a constant migraine. It's always there, but sometimes there are really sharp pains. It's so so so not fun. But I just keep telling myself that this is a new symptom and it's a good sign, I've had migraines before they come and go...they have never been so constant. So hopefully that means my body is adjusting to a condition it's never been in before.

I actually really believe that we are pregnant this time. I just feel it.

Two days ago, my husband got some incredibly bad news. The military told us where our next assignment would be this coming Spring. So many indications led us to believe we were going to a base that is within an hour of my family. BUT that is NOT where we were assigned. We will be moving to a state that I have never and will never have the slightest inclination of wanting to live...the only semi good thing about it is that it is right in the middle of my husband and I's families. The thing is, we never planned on staying in the military for the long haul and so this is helping to make the decision to try and get out even earlier easier.

The last couple of years the military has been asking for volunteers to separate, they are downsizing because of budget cuts and we hope to take advantage of that. If my husband can qualify for that then we will only have to live at our next assignment for about 5-6 months. If we don't qualify, they he will go into the reserves...either way we will not be living in that horrible state for 3-4 years. Not gonna happen. Plus, with the education my husband has he can find a job anywhere he wants in the civilian world.

Unluckily, this devastating piece of news came during the 2ww...which I've tried to just completely not think about because it automatically stresses me out and I really, really don't want to be stressed out right now. I cried for two days about it, I think it's mostly out of my system. I'm still incredibly unhappy about it because I'm stubborn and I hate it when people tell me what I have to do...force me to do things I don't want to (definition of the military). But I feel better because we both agree it's time to try and get out and with that decision came such a sense of relief.

Results

Had our egg retrieval yesterday. They didn't retrieve as many as I would have liked, I was hoping for around 12, but I'm not going to feel bad about that. They retrieved 9 eggs, 8 of them were mature and 6 have fertilized so far. Tomorrow is Day 2, we'll get another update on how they are growing and learn more if we will be doing a Day 3 or 5 transfer...I'm hoping for a Day 5!

Tomorrow!

Egg retrieval tomorrow morning! Can't wait!! I'll let you know how it goes...(we're hoping for at least 10 eggs)

GOOD NEWS!!

Wow!!! I feel like we finally got our very first piece of good news throughout the last four years. Yesterday, I had my first ultrasound for my IVF cycle to see how my follicles are growing. The day before my ovaries had already been feeling tender and sore so I was hoping it was a good sign since I didn't feel so sore so early on during our first IVF attempt. Turns out it was a good sign!! It's still pretty early to get a closer number to how many eggs to expect to be retrieved, BUT I have a much better start than I did last time.

As my doctor start measuring follicles on my first ovary I was just counting how many "small" follicles I had...follicles that were behind the majority of the rest. I counted three on my first ovary, then the doc asked the nurse, "how many total did I give you?" Nurse responds, "10." TEN!!!! How moly!! My heart jumped for joy, I was already SO happy! Even if you minus the smaller follicles from the ovary that still means I had seven growing follicles, which is AWESOME! During my last IVF, I had seven follicles total and then when they retrieved the eggs, they only retrieved five...two of the follicles didn't have eggs in them, they were empty. So already just on one ovary I have as many follicles as I did during our whole attempt for the previous IVF.

Then the doc started measuring my other ovary. There I counted two small follicles, but there was a total of nine!! So technically, I have 19 growing follicles right now, with five smaller ones. We are ecstatic! This is the first time I've felt like we actually gotten some really, really stellar news about fertility stuff. And I'm reveling in it!! I'm legitimately so excited about our doctors appointment tomorrow. Tomorrow, they will be able to estimate a better number of eggs for retrieval and they will probably decide what day for sure they will be doing the retrieval (probably Tuesday or Wednesday).

After our doc appointment yesterday, I called my mom to tell her the GREAT news and she screamed and yelled and celebrated just like we were doing! Yes, I know this doesn't mean I'm going to get pregnant, but we have a hell of a lot better chance with more eggs. And yes, I'm going to ignore the fact that I'm not pregnant yet and completely focus on one day at a time and be happy and excited and hopeful one day at a time. I knew it my heart this IVF would go better than the last, I just knew it. And I'm so thankful for that!

Wow!!! I'm an egg factory baby! And proud of it! My ovaries are kickin' butt! One of my very close friends, endearingly started calling me "Egg Head" when I told her the good news. So...

Egg Head out.

It got to me

Well two nights ago I had an emotional breakdown. I was ready to quit, to throw in the towel, get our money back and give up even though I know that we are suppose to be doing this. Doubts have a very powerful way of making you forget your faith and hope. The breakdown was real, hard, painful, long, and difficult to overcome. It also was very much fueled by my wacky hormones. I've told my husband so many, many times how much I hate fertility drugs because I don't feel like me when I'm taking them. I feel like...well, a monster.

Two nights ago I was suppose to take my fertility injection at 10pm, but I was feeling so sick and depressed that I curled up in a ball on my bed, in the dark and just stared at nothing. I couldn't mentally, emotionally, or physically make myself get up and do the shot. I said some things to my husband that were probably very mean and unfair, which obviously led him to distancing himself a little. Which is actually the best thing for him to do when I'm feeling like that, he has learned well. So after some time and some texting back and forth in separate rooms...again, that can be a safer option than being in the same room and talking face to face when my emotions are so strong. We came together. My husband let me cry a lot, talk a lot more and then he got up, loaded the medicine in the syringe, handed it to me, and told me how much he loved me as I gave myself the shot.

The next day, I was sick all day. Could hardly get out of bed and so my husband stepped up to the plate and hit a homer, he took such good care of me all day. He's a winner when I'm being a loser and so things work out just fine...as long as we aren't both being losers at the same time. So thankful for him and for his love, forgiveness, patience, and kindness. I know I'm describing him to be flawless, he's not, and I'm glad he's not...but he is absolutely trying the best he can and that's all I could ever want.

Oh yes I did

Confession, when I went to the doctor to get my very first ultrasound for this IVF cycle, I parked here. You better believe it! You may think that's a horrible, horrible thing to do, but it's so true for me...I'm expecting to be a mother, I have been for the past 4 years. And I know that's not what this sign means, but I would be pregnant if I could so I parked there once and it felt good. I'm looking forward to the time when I get to park here in the traditional sense of the signs meaning.

I've started one IVF injection, Lupron. And I'm so very, very happy to report that tonight is the LAST night I have to take THE pill, birth control. I'm ecstatic that this is the last night! Hopefully, this will be the last night I ever have to take it again in my life...that would be amazing.

The first three nights I took Lupron and BC together was so dreadful. I got so sick. Within ten minutes of taking them I was in bed with an excruciating migraine. The third night was so bad that I almost thew up twice from the pain. I finally decided to take some extra strength Tylenol (which I cleared with the nurse) and fell into my husbands arms and cried. I just cried, he held me, played with my hair and just let me hurt. I know it's so hard for him to see me in so much pain and if he could he would gladly share it with me, but the physical stuff is mine to bear. I have to do it. I have to feel this pain. But I know that I will become so much stronger from enduring this. Now, I'm taking Tylenol at the same time as I take the Lupron and BC because it helps to numb the pain a little...just enough to be able to fall asleep.

The nurse said that I should start feeling better when I stop the BC and start the stimulation because my estrogen levels will come up again. This is the last night! I just keep repeating that in my head, it helps me to get through it. One more night. One more night.

THE Packet

Yesterday when my husband and I returned home from our two week road trip we stopped at our mailbox to unload it and what did we find? THE packet. What is THE packet? Well, it's a folder for IVF with an overload of information on everything you need to do, appointments to schedule and confirmation, the medication regiment, the calendar, the cost sheet, the consent forms, etc. It goes on and on. Feels like you'll never get to the end of it. And when you do finally get to the end of THE packet you feel many different things. My husband said he felt "numb", I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for days, throw up, give up, and forget the whole dang thing!!

At least that's how I was feeling as I went to a church meeting about an hour after reading through THE packet. As I was in the church meeting listening to one of the leaders in my church share some thoughts about spiritual matters, the prayer in my heart was answered. I felt at total peace again. I knew that doing IVF is what Heavenly Father wants my husband and I to be doing. That doesn't mean that I know it will work, that we will get pregnant from this IVF, that doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is that my husband and I do what the Lord wants us to do...and we know He wants us to do this IVF. Whether is works or not is beside the point. If it works, then it will be a miracle and my husband and I will be the happiest we've ever been in our lives. If it doesn't, we will pray for comfort and peace and to understand why we needed to do that IVF. To understand what we needed to learn from going through IVF in order to be better prepared for the day we do have the incredible blessing of becoming parents. I know God's plan for our family is infinitely better then any scenario I could dream up for us, because I trust Him. He is the Almighty, He can make ANYTHING happen and I know He wants us to be happy so His timing and His will is all that matters.

Sure, THE packet made me feel sick, exhausted, and overwhelmed, but I've learned when I focus my life on God and the Savior then faith and hope will always, always replace my doubts, fears, and pain.