Oh yes I did

Confession, when I went to the doctor to get my very first ultrasound for this IVF cycle, I parked here. You better believe it! You may think that's a horrible, horrible thing to do, but it's so true for me...I'm expecting to be a mother, I have been for the past 4 years. And I know that's not what this sign means, but I would be pregnant if I could so I parked there once and it felt good. I'm looking forward to the time when I get to park here in the traditional sense of the signs meaning.

I've started one IVF injection, Lupron. And I'm so very, very happy to report that tonight is the LAST night I have to take THE pill, birth control. I'm ecstatic that this is the last night! Hopefully, this will be the last night I ever have to take it again in my life...that would be amazing.

The first three nights I took Lupron and BC together was so dreadful. I got so sick. Within ten minutes of taking them I was in bed with an excruciating migraine. The third night was so bad that I almost thew up twice from the pain. I finally decided to take some extra strength Tylenol (which I cleared with the nurse) and fell into my husbands arms and cried. I just cried, he held me, played with my hair and just let me hurt. I know it's so hard for him to see me in so much pain and if he could he would gladly share it with me, but the physical stuff is mine to bear. I have to do it. I have to feel this pain. But I know that I will become so much stronger from enduring this. Now, I'm taking Tylenol at the same time as I take the Lupron and BC because it helps to numb the pain a little...just enough to be able to fall asleep.

The nurse said that I should start feeling better when I stop the BC and start the stimulation because my estrogen levels will come up again. This is the last night! I just keep repeating that in my head, it helps me to get through it. One more night. One more night.

THE Packet

Yesterday when my husband and I returned home from our two week road trip we stopped at our mailbox to unload it and what did we find? THE packet. What is THE packet? Well, it's a folder for IVF with an overload of information on everything you need to do, appointments to schedule and confirmation, the medication regiment, the calendar, the cost sheet, the consent forms, etc. It goes on and on. Feels like you'll never get to the end of it. And when you do finally get to the end of THE packet you feel many different things. My husband said he felt "numb", I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for days, throw up, give up, and forget the whole dang thing!!

At least that's how I was feeling as I went to a church meeting about an hour after reading through THE packet. As I was in the church meeting listening to one of the leaders in my church share some thoughts about spiritual matters, the prayer in my heart was answered. I felt at total peace again. I knew that doing IVF is what Heavenly Father wants my husband and I to be doing. That doesn't mean that I know it will work, that we will get pregnant from this IVF, that doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is that my husband and I do what the Lord wants us to do...and we know He wants us to do this IVF. Whether is works or not is beside the point. If it works, then it will be a miracle and my husband and I will be the happiest we've ever been in our lives. If it doesn't, we will pray for comfort and peace and to understand why we needed to do that IVF. To understand what we needed to learn from going through IVF in order to be better prepared for the day we do have the incredible blessing of becoming parents. I know God's plan for our family is infinitely better then any scenario I could dream up for us, because I trust Him. He is the Almighty, He can make ANYTHING happen and I know He wants us to be happy so His timing and His will is all that matters.

Sure, THE packet made me feel sick, exhausted, and overwhelmed, but I've learned when I focus my life on God and the Savior then faith and hope will always, always replace my doubts, fears, and pain.

The Monster Pill

I'm back on THE pill. I hate it.

Birth control pills of any kind are my nemesis. Ironically, the word "control" is part of the name when it makes me feel completely out of control! Seriously, I get so snappy, frustrated, and short tempered when I'm on the pill. I can tell when it's my hormones, because I'm crazy and I get upset about the weirdest things. Seriously, I'm not even kidding. Last night my husband said I got mad at him for turning over in bed and I slapped him (gently) on the face...I don't even remember that at all!!! Even in my sleep I'm a monster. Although, it's a tad funny that I "slept slapped" my husband, it just demonstrates how completely out of control I feel...and that is NOT funny. One minute, I'm stressed and frustrated about something and the next I'm crying and apologizing for letting my feelings get so out of control. Anyways, the next few weeks I have left on the pill are not going to be my favorite, which makes me a little sad since we are taking off on a two week road trip of New England. I just hope I can really enjoy myself on our vacation and try not to a hormonal monster.

PS My doctor's appt that I had for the water ultrasound and the test transfer was pretty flawless. Maybe I'm just getting use to the pain of having stuff like this done, but there was really only one painful part of the whole thing that was less than a second. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't comfortable and I certainly don't want to be doing those tests everyday, but it was bearable and not as bad as past procedures I've had done.

Here we go again

Today, marks the day of when all our preparation begins for our 2nd IVF. I started my period on the day of mine and my husband's 5th anniversary. Ironic? Maybe. Good sign? I think so. Took a trip into the lab today where they proceeded to take about 15-20 tubes of blood work, thought I might faint since I had to be fasting for it, but I didn't. Good sign #2. Then walked over to the pharmacy to pick up my birth control I'll be taking this month so the doc can take control of my cycle. My poor little ovaries, suppressed one month and the next month is expected to make 10-20 eggs...so not natural. I choose to take Yaz, because I've been on it before and it makes me the least crazy out of any other BC I've tried. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be nuts on it, but not totally, completely, lose my mind crazy - like I have been on some other types. Doesn't seem it so counterproductive to have to go on birth control for a fertility cycle? It does to me, always has, but I understand why the doctors need to do it that way.

Our next move in prep for IVF is a water ultrasound test and a test transfer. It's been a little over a year since my laparoscopy surgery so the doc wants to do this test to make sure my uterus is still looking beautiful and perfect. It's not gonna be fun though. This is what they do...they stick a catheter up there, blow up a little balloon in your uterus and then shoot some water around in there. It's suppose to wash out anything that might be in there and separate your uterine walls so they can see if there is anything that isn't suppose to be there. Yesterday the IVF nurse says, "You might cramp a little but it won't be too bad". Sure, sure lady...I've done this before and I've done other tests similar and let me tell you it is painful. Don't try to sugar coat it, just tell me the truth so I know what to expect. She's probably never had it done, most women don't have to do stuff like this, so she wouldn't really know what it feels like. I guess I can't blame her :) But I need someone to blame for pain when I get it done. Haha, jk.

Unless you've been through IVF, you wouldn't realize how much effort and sacrifice it takes to do this process. It's tough, but I'm hoping it'll all be worth it. It's like I tell my friends and fam when I talk to them about it...I'd do pretty much about anything at this point if I could just have children. A balloon in my uterus is NO BIG DEAL if it helps me have children.

Here we go again...

Babies, babies, babies

They are everywhere. There is cute little chubby cheeks, soft skin, and little hands everywhere I turn. When I go grocery shopping, church, visiting friends, vacations, doctor appointments, library, post office, browsing facebook, instagram and pinterest...the list goes on and on. It's just the phase of life I'm in. All my friends are having babies. If you're like me, then a lot of times seeing a picture of a newborn baby all dolled up on pinterest posing, can bring a pang of jealousy and hit home. Maybe even sometimes the pain is so real that day, silly tears are shed over the fact that I don't have a baby to doll up and post pictures of on facebook, instagram, or pinterest. I remember having such a day where I sat in front of my computer and tears starting streaming down my face as I gazed at a picture of the cutest, little baby. I didn't even know the baby. But it didn't matter, all that mattered is I wanted one and I couldn't have one (yet).

I remember my husband asking me what was wrong as I cried in front of the computer so I told him. Of course, he being the wonderful, sweet man that he is just held me and let me cry it out. He does that a lot. He should get some kind of an award for how much time I've spent in his arms balling. Later that day, after the tears and pain faded a little I decided I needed to take a break from social networking stuff...just for one day to see if it made me feel better. I did it. Funny, how many times I picked up my phone to check my facebook etc. only to stop myself suddenly remembering the commitment I made that day. Did it make me feel better? Oh yes. It totally did. It was wonderful to be free of being constantly reminded that I can't have children (yet).

After that no social networking day, I decided to take control of the way I viewed things on those websites. Sure, I still see the baby stuff, but do you know my trick? I hide it. You can do that, just hide things you don't want to see on facebook. Also, I went through a lot of my friends pinterest boards I was following and unfollowed any boards that had to do with babies. There's not much you can do on instagram except fly over the pic quickly and not dwell on it. Maybe you think I should be happy for all my friends that are having babies and most days I am, but it's still hard...no matter how happy I am for them. So for my mental and emotional health I decided it was okay to control what I see and most important to NOT feel guilty about it. Truly, I don't feel any guilt hiding my best friends 4-5 posts on facebook a day about all things baby (she's having her first) and do you know what? She wouldn't care that I do that. She would want me to do that if it means helping me handle things during a tough time.

My advice to you today is take control of the way you social network. It can make a difference.

Dreams Will Come True

Over the last couple of years, I've occasionally experienced these very vivid dreams. Normally, my dreams are jumbled, make absolutely no sense, and are totally confusing. So I can tell when I'm having a meaningful dream...because it makes perfect sense, there is nothing weird about it. Those meaningful dreams are little gifts from God. I know they are. Let me explain...

A couple weeks ago I was having a really confusing dream, but then it switched suddenly. It seemed like everything came quickly into focus. I was at my parents house visiting and I decided to go check on the baby that was taking a nap in one of the basement rooms to make sure she was still sleeping. I quietly opened the door, tip toed over to the crib and peaked over. WOW! There she was...her beautiful eyes staring up at me. As soon as I looked into those eyes, I felt this overwhelming sense of, "She belongs to me. She's mine forever." It was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced in my life. That was my little girl, my daughter. I picked her up and gently hugged her close and my eyes teared up as I said a silent, "Thank you" to God for the most precious gift He has ever given to me. Then I changed her diaper, laid her back down to sleep and quietly shut the door behind me. That was it. Then my dream turned into a weird, jumbled mess again. 

When I woke up that morning I remember I sat straight up in bed, closed my eyes again and I saw that dream so clearly again. Just like a movie in my mind. Most importantly, I again felt the incredible sense of that little girl belonging to me. I know, undeniably, that dream was given to me by God. My husband and I have been doing really well the past few months, I haven't felt depressed or sad about infertility...I've just felt HOPE. And with that hope comes complete trust in God that everything will turn out the way it should. So when this dream came, I was a little surprised because I've had only two other vivid dreams about my future children and they came at times where I was struggling so much. But this dream was different. I knew God was telling me, "Thank you for having so much trust in me. Here's some reassurance, so that you know one day this will happen for you." 

I remember the whole rest of the day, I would close my eyes and experience that dream and the feelings all over again. It was so real and so wonderful. I didn't want to let it go. The next morning, I decided it was time to tell my husband about it. Share with him the hope and love I felt through that dream. When I told him, I couldn't help but cry and as I looked into his face I know he felt what I felt too. It was a very special moment to share with him. 

This will happen for us. I'm sure of it. I just don't know when it will happen, but I've come to understand that the when isn't nearly as important as trusting in God. I know He will bless us with children and that is all that matters. 

IVF Throw Down

Summers are busy. That's my excuse. Well, there is another excuse and that is because I'm not doing ANY fertility treatments at all right now and it's GLORIOUS! Seriously, my body loves me when I stop doing those drugs. I feel like me again. I feel happy. It's wonderful.

Even though we're not doing any treatments right now, in July we did throw down $220 to meet for 45 minutes with an IVF doctor in our area. Can't get over that...$220 bucks. But I guess it was helpful. We got to make it clear to the doctor that we don't want to go through with the IVF unless we have at least 8 eggs ready. So what will happen is we will be monitored for free through the military base and they will be able to tell pretty early from the monitoring if we will have enough eggs to move forward with IVF. If we don't have at least 8 eggs, my husband and I will choose to cancel the cycle and try again another month. It feels good to take control of our treatments instead of being "bullied" by doctors telling us what we should do.

IVF #2 in October here we come! I have a much better feeling about this IVF then I did our last try in June 2012. I'm also very grateful that both sets of our parents have generously donated to this IVF cycle, relieving some of the financial stress and strain. I really hope that this IVF will work. If not, I still trust that God has a plan for our family and it is the right plan for us. I trust Him.