Oh yes I did

Confession, when I went to the doctor to get my very first ultrasound for this IVF cycle, I parked here. You better believe it! You may think that's a horrible, horrible thing to do, but it's so true for me...I'm expecting to be a mother, I have been for the past 4 years. And I know that's not what this sign means, but I would be pregnant if I could so I parked there once and it felt good. I'm looking forward to the time when I get to park here in the traditional sense of the signs meaning.

I've started one IVF injection, Lupron. And I'm so very, very happy to report that tonight is the LAST night I have to take THE pill, birth control. I'm ecstatic that this is the last night! Hopefully, this will be the last night I ever have to take it again in my life...that would be amazing.

The first three nights I took Lupron and BC together was so dreadful. I got so sick. Within ten minutes of taking them I was in bed with an excruciating migraine. The third night was so bad that I almost thew up twice from the pain. I finally decided to take some extra strength Tylenol (which I cleared with the nurse) and fell into my husbands arms and cried. I just cried, he held me, played with my hair and just let me hurt. I know it's so hard for him to see me in so much pain and if he could he would gladly share it with me, but the physical stuff is mine to bear. I have to do it. I have to feel this pain. But I know that I will become so much stronger from enduring this. Now, I'm taking Tylenol at the same time as I take the Lupron and BC because it helps to numb the pain a little...just enough to be able to fall asleep.

The nurse said that I should start feeling better when I stop the BC and start the stimulation because my estrogen levels will come up again. This is the last night! I just keep repeating that in my head, it helps me to get through it. One more night. One more night.

THE Packet

Yesterday when my husband and I returned home from our two week road trip we stopped at our mailbox to unload it and what did we find? THE packet. What is THE packet? Well, it's a folder for IVF with an overload of information on everything you need to do, appointments to schedule and confirmation, the medication regiment, the calendar, the cost sheet, the consent forms, etc. It goes on and on. Feels like you'll never get to the end of it. And when you do finally get to the end of THE packet you feel many different things. My husband said he felt "numb", I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for days, throw up, give up, and forget the whole dang thing!!

At least that's how I was feeling as I went to a church meeting about an hour after reading through THE packet. As I was in the church meeting listening to one of the leaders in my church share some thoughts about spiritual matters, the prayer in my heart was answered. I felt at total peace again. I knew that doing IVF is what Heavenly Father wants my husband and I to be doing. That doesn't mean that I know it will work, that we will get pregnant from this IVF, that doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is that my husband and I do what the Lord wants us to do...and we know He wants us to do this IVF. Whether is works or not is beside the point. If it works, then it will be a miracle and my husband and I will be the happiest we've ever been in our lives. If it doesn't, we will pray for comfort and peace and to understand why we needed to do that IVF. To understand what we needed to learn from going through IVF in order to be better prepared for the day we do have the incredible blessing of becoming parents. I know God's plan for our family is infinitely better then any scenario I could dream up for us, because I trust Him. He is the Almighty, He can make ANYTHING happen and I know He wants us to be happy so His timing and His will is all that matters.

Sure, THE packet made me feel sick, exhausted, and overwhelmed, but I've learned when I focus my life on God and the Savior then faith and hope will always, always replace my doubts, fears, and pain.

The Monster Pill

I'm back on THE pill. I hate it.

Birth control pills of any kind are my nemesis. Ironically, the word "control" is part of the name when it makes me feel completely out of control! Seriously, I get so snappy, frustrated, and short tempered when I'm on the pill. I can tell when it's my hormones, because I'm crazy and I get upset about the weirdest things. Seriously, I'm not even kidding. Last night my husband said I got mad at him for turning over in bed and I slapped him (gently) on the face...I don't even remember that at all!!! Even in my sleep I'm a monster. Although, it's a tad funny that I "slept slapped" my husband, it just demonstrates how completely out of control I feel...and that is NOT funny. One minute, I'm stressed and frustrated about something and the next I'm crying and apologizing for letting my feelings get so out of control. Anyways, the next few weeks I have left on the pill are not going to be my favorite, which makes me a little sad since we are taking off on a two week road trip of New England. I just hope I can really enjoy myself on our vacation and try not to a hormonal monster.

PS My doctor's appt that I had for the water ultrasound and the test transfer was pretty flawless. Maybe I'm just getting use to the pain of having stuff like this done, but there was really only one painful part of the whole thing that was less than a second. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't comfortable and I certainly don't want to be doing those tests everyday, but it was bearable and not as bad as past procedures I've had done.