2WW

Well it's not technically a "two week wait", it's really about a ten day wait, but you got me. That's where we are right now, just waiting. Waiting to find out if we're pregnant.

Since my transfer, I've had a constant migraine. It's always there, but sometimes there are really sharp pains. It's so so so not fun. But I just keep telling myself that this is a new symptom and it's a good sign, I've had migraines before they come and go...they have never been so constant. So hopefully that means my body is adjusting to a condition it's never been in before.

I actually really believe that we are pregnant this time. I just feel it.

Two days ago, my husband got some incredibly bad news. The military told us where our next assignment would be this coming Spring. So many indications led us to believe we were going to a base that is within an hour of my family. BUT that is NOT where we were assigned. We will be moving to a state that I have never and will never have the slightest inclination of wanting to live...the only semi good thing about it is that it is right in the middle of my husband and I's families. The thing is, we never planned on staying in the military for the long haul and so this is helping to make the decision to try and get out even earlier easier.

The last couple of years the military has been asking for volunteers to separate, they are downsizing because of budget cuts and we hope to take advantage of that. If my husband can qualify for that then we will only have to live at our next assignment for about 5-6 months. If we don't qualify, they he will go into the reserves...either way we will not be living in that horrible state for 3-4 years. Not gonna happen. Plus, with the education my husband has he can find a job anywhere he wants in the civilian world.

Unluckily, this devastating piece of news came during the 2ww...which I've tried to just completely not think about because it automatically stresses me out and I really, really don't want to be stressed out right now. I cried for two days about it, I think it's mostly out of my system. I'm still incredibly unhappy about it because I'm stubborn and I hate it when people tell me what I have to do...force me to do things I don't want to (definition of the military). But I feel better because we both agree it's time to try and get out and with that decision came such a sense of relief.

Results

Had our egg retrieval yesterday. They didn't retrieve as many as I would have liked, I was hoping for around 12, but I'm not going to feel bad about that. They retrieved 9 eggs, 8 of them were mature and 6 have fertilized so far. Tomorrow is Day 2, we'll get another update on how they are growing and learn more if we will be doing a Day 3 or 5 transfer...I'm hoping for a Day 5!

Tomorrow!

Egg retrieval tomorrow morning! Can't wait!! I'll let you know how it goes...(we're hoping for at least 10 eggs)

GOOD NEWS!!

Wow!!! I feel like we finally got our very first piece of good news throughout the last four years. Yesterday, I had my first ultrasound for my IVF cycle to see how my follicles are growing. The day before my ovaries had already been feeling tender and sore so I was hoping it was a good sign since I didn't feel so sore so early on during our first IVF attempt. Turns out it was a good sign!! It's still pretty early to get a closer number to how many eggs to expect to be retrieved, BUT I have a much better start than I did last time.

As my doctor start measuring follicles on my first ovary I was just counting how many "small" follicles I had...follicles that were behind the majority of the rest. I counted three on my first ovary, then the doc asked the nurse, "how many total did I give you?" Nurse responds, "10." TEN!!!! How moly!! My heart jumped for joy, I was already SO happy! Even if you minus the smaller follicles from the ovary that still means I had seven growing follicles, which is AWESOME! During my last IVF, I had seven follicles total and then when they retrieved the eggs, they only retrieved five...two of the follicles didn't have eggs in them, they were empty. So already just on one ovary I have as many follicles as I did during our whole attempt for the previous IVF.

Then the doc started measuring my other ovary. There I counted two small follicles, but there was a total of nine!! So technically, I have 19 growing follicles right now, with five smaller ones. We are ecstatic! This is the first time I've felt like we actually gotten some really, really stellar news about fertility stuff. And I'm reveling in it!! I'm legitimately so excited about our doctors appointment tomorrow. Tomorrow, they will be able to estimate a better number of eggs for retrieval and they will probably decide what day for sure they will be doing the retrieval (probably Tuesday or Wednesday).

After our doc appointment yesterday, I called my mom to tell her the GREAT news and she screamed and yelled and celebrated just like we were doing! Yes, I know this doesn't mean I'm going to get pregnant, but we have a hell of a lot better chance with more eggs. And yes, I'm going to ignore the fact that I'm not pregnant yet and completely focus on one day at a time and be happy and excited and hopeful one day at a time. I knew it my heart this IVF would go better than the last, I just knew it. And I'm so thankful for that!

Wow!!! I'm an egg factory baby! And proud of it! My ovaries are kickin' butt! One of my very close friends, endearingly started calling me "Egg Head" when I told her the good news. So...

Egg Head out.

It got to me

Well two nights ago I had an emotional breakdown. I was ready to quit, to throw in the towel, get our money back and give up even though I know that we are suppose to be doing this. Doubts have a very powerful way of making you forget your faith and hope. The breakdown was real, hard, painful, long, and difficult to overcome. It also was very much fueled by my wacky hormones. I've told my husband so many, many times how much I hate fertility drugs because I don't feel like me when I'm taking them. I feel like...well, a monster.

Two nights ago I was suppose to take my fertility injection at 10pm, but I was feeling so sick and depressed that I curled up in a ball on my bed, in the dark and just stared at nothing. I couldn't mentally, emotionally, or physically make myself get up and do the shot. I said some things to my husband that were probably very mean and unfair, which obviously led him to distancing himself a little. Which is actually the best thing for him to do when I'm feeling like that, he has learned well. So after some time and some texting back and forth in separate rooms...again, that can be a safer option than being in the same room and talking face to face when my emotions are so strong. We came together. My husband let me cry a lot, talk a lot more and then he got up, loaded the medicine in the syringe, handed it to me, and told me how much he loved me as I gave myself the shot.

The next day, I was sick all day. Could hardly get out of bed and so my husband stepped up to the plate and hit a homer, he took such good care of me all day. He's a winner when I'm being a loser and so things work out just fine...as long as we aren't both being losers at the same time. So thankful for him and for his love, forgiveness, patience, and kindness. I know I'm describing him to be flawless, he's not, and I'm glad he's not...but he is absolutely trying the best he can and that's all I could ever want.

Oh yes I did

Confession, when I went to the doctor to get my very first ultrasound for this IVF cycle, I parked here. You better believe it! You may think that's a horrible, horrible thing to do, but it's so true for me...I'm expecting to be a mother, I have been for the past 4 years. And I know that's not what this sign means, but I would be pregnant if I could so I parked there once and it felt good. I'm looking forward to the time when I get to park here in the traditional sense of the signs meaning.

I've started one IVF injection, Lupron. And I'm so very, very happy to report that tonight is the LAST night I have to take THE pill, birth control. I'm ecstatic that this is the last night! Hopefully, this will be the last night I ever have to take it again in my life...that would be amazing.

The first three nights I took Lupron and BC together was so dreadful. I got so sick. Within ten minutes of taking them I was in bed with an excruciating migraine. The third night was so bad that I almost thew up twice from the pain. I finally decided to take some extra strength Tylenol (which I cleared with the nurse) and fell into my husbands arms and cried. I just cried, he held me, played with my hair and just let me hurt. I know it's so hard for him to see me in so much pain and if he could he would gladly share it with me, but the physical stuff is mine to bear. I have to do it. I have to feel this pain. But I know that I will become so much stronger from enduring this. Now, I'm taking Tylenol at the same time as I take the Lupron and BC because it helps to numb the pain a little...just enough to be able to fall asleep.

The nurse said that I should start feeling better when I stop the BC and start the stimulation because my estrogen levels will come up again. This is the last night! I just keep repeating that in my head, it helps me to get through it. One more night. One more night.

THE Packet

Yesterday when my husband and I returned home from our two week road trip we stopped at our mailbox to unload it and what did we find? THE packet. What is THE packet? Well, it's a folder for IVF with an overload of information on everything you need to do, appointments to schedule and confirmation, the medication regiment, the calendar, the cost sheet, the consent forms, etc. It goes on and on. Feels like you'll never get to the end of it. And when you do finally get to the end of THE packet you feel many different things. My husband said he felt "numb", I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for days, throw up, give up, and forget the whole dang thing!!

At least that's how I was feeling as I went to a church meeting about an hour after reading through THE packet. As I was in the church meeting listening to one of the leaders in my church share some thoughts about spiritual matters, the prayer in my heart was answered. I felt at total peace again. I knew that doing IVF is what Heavenly Father wants my husband and I to be doing. That doesn't mean that I know it will work, that we will get pregnant from this IVF, that doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is that my husband and I do what the Lord wants us to do...and we know He wants us to do this IVF. Whether is works or not is beside the point. If it works, then it will be a miracle and my husband and I will be the happiest we've ever been in our lives. If it doesn't, we will pray for comfort and peace and to understand why we needed to do that IVF. To understand what we needed to learn from going through IVF in order to be better prepared for the day we do have the incredible blessing of becoming parents. I know God's plan for our family is infinitely better then any scenario I could dream up for us, because I trust Him. He is the Almighty, He can make ANYTHING happen and I know He wants us to be happy so His timing and His will is all that matters.

Sure, THE packet made me feel sick, exhausted, and overwhelmed, but I've learned when I focus my life on God and the Savior then faith and hope will always, always replace my doubts, fears, and pain.

The Monster Pill

I'm back on THE pill. I hate it.

Birth control pills of any kind are my nemesis. Ironically, the word "control" is part of the name when it makes me feel completely out of control! Seriously, I get so snappy, frustrated, and short tempered when I'm on the pill. I can tell when it's my hormones, because I'm crazy and I get upset about the weirdest things. Seriously, I'm not even kidding. Last night my husband said I got mad at him for turning over in bed and I slapped him (gently) on the face...I don't even remember that at all!!! Even in my sleep I'm a monster. Although, it's a tad funny that I "slept slapped" my husband, it just demonstrates how completely out of control I feel...and that is NOT funny. One minute, I'm stressed and frustrated about something and the next I'm crying and apologizing for letting my feelings get so out of control. Anyways, the next few weeks I have left on the pill are not going to be my favorite, which makes me a little sad since we are taking off on a two week road trip of New England. I just hope I can really enjoy myself on our vacation and try not to a hormonal monster.

PS My doctor's appt that I had for the water ultrasound and the test transfer was pretty flawless. Maybe I'm just getting use to the pain of having stuff like this done, but there was really only one painful part of the whole thing that was less than a second. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't comfortable and I certainly don't want to be doing those tests everyday, but it was bearable and not as bad as past procedures I've had done.

Here we go again

Today, marks the day of when all our preparation begins for our 2nd IVF. I started my period on the day of mine and my husband's 5th anniversary. Ironic? Maybe. Good sign? I think so. Took a trip into the lab today where they proceeded to take about 15-20 tubes of blood work, thought I might faint since I had to be fasting for it, but I didn't. Good sign #2. Then walked over to the pharmacy to pick up my birth control I'll be taking this month so the doc can take control of my cycle. My poor little ovaries, suppressed one month and the next month is expected to make 10-20 eggs...so not natural. I choose to take Yaz, because I've been on it before and it makes me the least crazy out of any other BC I've tried. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be nuts on it, but not totally, completely, lose my mind crazy - like I have been on some other types. Doesn't seem it so counterproductive to have to go on birth control for a fertility cycle? It does to me, always has, but I understand why the doctors need to do it that way.

Our next move in prep for IVF is a water ultrasound test and a test transfer. It's been a little over a year since my laparoscopy surgery so the doc wants to do this test to make sure my uterus is still looking beautiful and perfect. It's not gonna be fun though. This is what they do...they stick a catheter up there, blow up a little balloon in your uterus and then shoot some water around in there. It's suppose to wash out anything that might be in there and separate your uterine walls so they can see if there is anything that isn't suppose to be there. Yesterday the IVF nurse says, "You might cramp a little but it won't be too bad". Sure, sure lady...I've done this before and I've done other tests similar and let me tell you it is painful. Don't try to sugar coat it, just tell me the truth so I know what to expect. She's probably never had it done, most women don't have to do stuff like this, so she wouldn't really know what it feels like. I guess I can't blame her :) But I need someone to blame for pain when I get it done. Haha, jk.

Unless you've been through IVF, you wouldn't realize how much effort and sacrifice it takes to do this process. It's tough, but I'm hoping it'll all be worth it. It's like I tell my friends and fam when I talk to them about it...I'd do pretty much about anything at this point if I could just have children. A balloon in my uterus is NO BIG DEAL if it helps me have children.

Here we go again...

Babies, babies, babies

They are everywhere. There is cute little chubby cheeks, soft skin, and little hands everywhere I turn. When I go grocery shopping, church, visiting friends, vacations, doctor appointments, library, post office, browsing facebook, instagram and pinterest...the list goes on and on. It's just the phase of life I'm in. All my friends are having babies. If you're like me, then a lot of times seeing a picture of a newborn baby all dolled up on pinterest posing, can bring a pang of jealousy and hit home. Maybe even sometimes the pain is so real that day, silly tears are shed over the fact that I don't have a baby to doll up and post pictures of on facebook, instagram, or pinterest. I remember having such a day where I sat in front of my computer and tears starting streaming down my face as I gazed at a picture of the cutest, little baby. I didn't even know the baby. But it didn't matter, all that mattered is I wanted one and I couldn't have one (yet).

I remember my husband asking me what was wrong as I cried in front of the computer so I told him. Of course, he being the wonderful, sweet man that he is just held me and let me cry it out. He does that a lot. He should get some kind of an award for how much time I've spent in his arms balling. Later that day, after the tears and pain faded a little I decided I needed to take a break from social networking stuff...just for one day to see if it made me feel better. I did it. Funny, how many times I picked up my phone to check my facebook etc. only to stop myself suddenly remembering the commitment I made that day. Did it make me feel better? Oh yes. It totally did. It was wonderful to be free of being constantly reminded that I can't have children (yet).

After that no social networking day, I decided to take control of the way I viewed things on those websites. Sure, I still see the baby stuff, but do you know my trick? I hide it. You can do that, just hide things you don't want to see on facebook. Also, I went through a lot of my friends pinterest boards I was following and unfollowed any boards that had to do with babies. There's not much you can do on instagram except fly over the pic quickly and not dwell on it. Maybe you think I should be happy for all my friends that are having babies and most days I am, but it's still hard...no matter how happy I am for them. So for my mental and emotional health I decided it was okay to control what I see and most important to NOT feel guilty about it. Truly, I don't feel any guilt hiding my best friends 4-5 posts on facebook a day about all things baby (she's having her first) and do you know what? She wouldn't care that I do that. She would want me to do that if it means helping me handle things during a tough time.

My advice to you today is take control of the way you social network. It can make a difference.

Dreams Will Come True

Over the last couple of years, I've occasionally experienced these very vivid dreams. Normally, my dreams are jumbled, make absolutely no sense, and are totally confusing. So I can tell when I'm having a meaningful dream...because it makes perfect sense, there is nothing weird about it. Those meaningful dreams are little gifts from God. I know they are. Let me explain...

A couple weeks ago I was having a really confusing dream, but then it switched suddenly. It seemed like everything came quickly into focus. I was at my parents house visiting and I decided to go check on the baby that was taking a nap in one of the basement rooms to make sure she was still sleeping. I quietly opened the door, tip toed over to the crib and peaked over. WOW! There she was...her beautiful eyes staring up at me. As soon as I looked into those eyes, I felt this overwhelming sense of, "She belongs to me. She's mine forever." It was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced in my life. That was my little girl, my daughter. I picked her up and gently hugged her close and my eyes teared up as I said a silent, "Thank you" to God for the most precious gift He has ever given to me. Then I changed her diaper, laid her back down to sleep and quietly shut the door behind me. That was it. Then my dream turned into a weird, jumbled mess again. 

When I woke up that morning I remember I sat straight up in bed, closed my eyes again and I saw that dream so clearly again. Just like a movie in my mind. Most importantly, I again felt the incredible sense of that little girl belonging to me. I know, undeniably, that dream was given to me by God. My husband and I have been doing really well the past few months, I haven't felt depressed or sad about infertility...I've just felt HOPE. And with that hope comes complete trust in God that everything will turn out the way it should. So when this dream came, I was a little surprised because I've had only two other vivid dreams about my future children and they came at times where I was struggling so much. But this dream was different. I knew God was telling me, "Thank you for having so much trust in me. Here's some reassurance, so that you know one day this will happen for you." 

I remember the whole rest of the day, I would close my eyes and experience that dream and the feelings all over again. It was so real and so wonderful. I didn't want to let it go. The next morning, I decided it was time to tell my husband about it. Share with him the hope and love I felt through that dream. When I told him, I couldn't help but cry and as I looked into his face I know he felt what I felt too. It was a very special moment to share with him. 

This will happen for us. I'm sure of it. I just don't know when it will happen, but I've come to understand that the when isn't nearly as important as trusting in God. I know He will bless us with children and that is all that matters. 

IVF Throw Down

Summers are busy. That's my excuse. Well, there is another excuse and that is because I'm not doing ANY fertility treatments at all right now and it's GLORIOUS! Seriously, my body loves me when I stop doing those drugs. I feel like me again. I feel happy. It's wonderful.

Even though we're not doing any treatments right now, in July we did throw down $220 to meet for 45 minutes with an IVF doctor in our area. Can't get over that...$220 bucks. But I guess it was helpful. We got to make it clear to the doctor that we don't want to go through with the IVF unless we have at least 8 eggs ready. So what will happen is we will be monitored for free through the military base and they will be able to tell pretty early from the monitoring if we will have enough eggs to move forward with IVF. If we don't have at least 8 eggs, my husband and I will choose to cancel the cycle and try again another month. It feels good to take control of our treatments instead of being "bullied" by doctors telling us what we should do.

IVF #2 in October here we come! I have a much better feeling about this IVF then I did our last try in June 2012. I'm also very grateful that both sets of our parents have generously donated to this IVF cycle, relieving some of the financial stress and strain. I really hope that this IVF will work. If not, I still trust that God has a plan for our family and it is the right plan for us. I trust Him.

What do you do all day?

A couple weekends ago we went camping with some friends who all have 3-5 kids. It was a great weekend, we had so much fun! At one point I was sitting at the picnic tables with a 5 other adults and one guy asked me, "What are your hobbies?" I was a little caught off guard because I haven't had someone ask me that question in that way since I single. Hobbies? Huh? What are those? I was stumped. I quickly recovered, since I noticed four other women were listening and waiting for my answer. Pressure. So I was honest. I said, "I love to be outside doing anything...mostly running and biking. I have an online business and I love to read." Hmmm...seemed a little blah, but nonetheless that's all I could think of on the spot.

Then the other ladies started to chime in, saying things like, "I remember when we were first married I didn't have kids or a job for 6 months and I told my friends with kids that I get to do all the things they don't have time for." Or another response, "Yeah, those were the days, my house was the cleanest it's ever been."  Etc.

Wow. Now it made sense. They were all wondering what I do all day since I don't have kids and I don't have a full time job. I've actually been asked this question quite a few times and it automatically puts me on edge. Makes it seem like because I don't have children or a job that I'm not doing anything worthwhile with my time. Ha! Sure, some days I have more free time than others, but I'm usually always busy. 

One of these days I'm going to be brutally honest and say to someone, "I don't have any kids, but we've been trying for almost 4 years and I don't have a job because I'm constantly going to doctor's appointments or to the lab to get my blood drawn or to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions or in my bed from nausea, fatigue, or migraines from all that drugs I'm constantly taking and injecting into my body on a daily basis." I've tried to have even a part time job while doing fertility treatments and it just doesn't work for me. It's too hard, too much stress and we all know that the "S" word is the arch enemy of the "I" word. Plus, when I take a job, I want to do the best I can and be there for my employer, I don't ever do things half way. Right now, I know I can't commit myself completely to a company or employer, so my solution was to start a home business. I've been very successful so far and looking forward to expanding and growing my business in the future. It has been a blessing that has come from struggling with infertility...if I didn't have this time at home, without children, I know I wouldn't have been able to start my business. 

What do I do all day? 

A lot. Come on over, we'll hang out and you can see for yourself. 

I like big Schmeebs and I cannot lie

A few days ago I was talking to a fellow military spouse and she mentions she's going to have surgery at the end of the month. Surprised, I asked her why and she bashfully said, "For a breast reduction. After you have kids they just aren't the same. They don't look the same and don't stay where they are suppose to." Almost as an afterthought, she adds, "I also get really bad back and neck pain and sometimes migraines." Because she feels "pain", this procedure will be completely covered by Tricare (military health insurance). Then she explains that she's been trying to have it done for a long time now, but the waiting list is so long she just barely got called. Gees girls, just be proud of what you got and stop trying to change yourself! Anyways...

During our conversation my first thought was how many times I've wished I could get a breast reduction because I'm no amateur to the pain that comes from having large, voluptuous schmeebs. I've grown me some good ones. Oh how disappointed my husband would be to see them go ;)

Next, I naturally think about how this could possibly tie into anything having to do with infertility, because that's what I do. Infertility is constantly on my mind. Which sometimes tends to lead to illogical connections, especially if you combined that with the hormones I'm shoving into my body every night right now. However, this is not one of those times. This is completely rational.

Why does the military health insurance cover a procedure like a breast reduction and not IVF (in vitro fertilization)? See, rational. Thank you very much.

Trust me, the fact that I have big boobs is not nearly as painful physically or mentally as going through infertility. My boobs have never been the cause of heart aching, heart wrenching, heart breaking pain like seeing a negative line on a pregnancy test has been. Nor have my boobs caused marital stress, in fact they are sometimes the thing that prevents or helps relieve marital stress. And I just can't say that like IVF, my boobs have ever been a gigantic, crushing financial burden, unless you think spending $50 for a new bra qualifies. The pain that infertility causes is very real, very difficult and relentless. But Tricare seems to think that having big scheembs is more worth their resources to help fix then it is for couples who struggle to have children.

To all those who've had breast reductions, I'm cool with that. It may not seem like it, but I really am. I just want infertility to be recognized by my insurance as something a thousand times more painful and worth the resources to help with then a breast reduction.